Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
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