We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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