I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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