You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
