In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Randomize
