Whatcha textin bout Willis?
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
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I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
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He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
My feet surprised me
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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