my phone needs a breathalizer
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
