Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
