remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
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