I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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