If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
