What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
So apparently I’m into choking now
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
