I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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