new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Randomize
