Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
