if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
