Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
