Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
My dad just said "fuck circus"
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
