You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
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It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
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Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
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