so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
