Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
