he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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