I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
