oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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