i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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