Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Help me help you realize you are a moron
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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