Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
