just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
