there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Your mouth is God's brothel.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
