nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
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He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
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Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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