i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
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I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
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We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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