His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Randomize
