Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
