Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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