Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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