my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i think my mom watched the whole time
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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