all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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