I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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