worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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