Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
