im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Randomize
