When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
