so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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