I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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