All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
