im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
