so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
