So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
