Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Randomize
