No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
