i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
