Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
