dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
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She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
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The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
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