You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize
