Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
drinking out of a sandbucket again
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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