Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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